Wow. I haven't been on here in ages.

Ya'll look the same which is most excellent. LOL

Same ol, same ol here. That's good too. Especially when it means that we are continuing to be healthy and homed. Kids, grandkids, animals, self, happy enough.

My job keeps me from doing much of anything I'd like to do. Work like a madman, then rest like recovering from deaths door itself.

Life is a balancing act isn't it. LOL

The last year has been spent taking care of things in the mundane:
Living quarters
Job/income
And all of the various things that starting life over (again) entails.

It's been busy. I am tired. But am finally now beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel.. And NO!! it isn't a headlight coming toward me. lol

I've begun a new job. It's a swing shift, 7 days a week. 12 hour shifts.

We'll see how this old, out-of-shape body adjusts.. well, when the screaming dies down anyway. It's a very physical job. I ran up and down 216 (yes 216) full flights of stairs before lunch. .. There are 18 full flights of stairs to get to the 6th floor where I was working that night. I made 6 trips up +108 flights. What goes up must come down.. another 108 flights of stairs. I also mopped, bent over a deck mop (when I wasn't running/walking/crawling up and down those damn steps!!!)

My hands/forearms/shoulders are not happy. Neither are my knees!! Come to think of it, neither was my brain happy. I wanted to learn my new job, not clean. I guess part of learning my new job is learning patience. lol

I was tired. Boy did I sleep well after that shift. LOL

When I woke up, I was sore all over. I swear, even my eyelids were sore! That was yesterday. Today my legs are so sore, I can hardly walk without falling over..

Can't wait for day two to begin!!

Meme ganked from [info]beckyzoole

Time for nice things, and reasons to be productive. So -

Pay It Forward: I will send a handmade gift to the first 5 people who leave a comment here on my LJ. The gift could be anything, but you will receive it within 365 days (probably sooner). The only thing you have to do in return is "pay it forward" by making a similar agreement on your LiveJournal or blog.

Can't say fairer than that! I've signed up to receive, so now make me more blessed, and sign up to get me to give!

Wow, has it really been months since I blogged here? Here we go..

Lately, like many others, high gas prices had kept me home for a while. But at a buck fifty a gallon now, it's more affordable to get out again.

First place to visit? My grand-kids. heh A couple of weeks ago I saw them.

The 3 year old kept calling me "Hey Lady". What??? he used to call me granny. Now I'm "hey lady"?? aaaaarrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahaha hehe ha

He's cute and sassy. No match for granny yet. I still got the run on him.



The littlest is the spitting image of his dad. Just as sweet and stubborn too. LOL


Can't find a Christmas pic of my grand-daughter.

All my kids and grand-kids came to Christmas. It was great. We all laughed til our faces and bellys hurt.

Life is good. ;-)

A 3 day weekend with lots of fun stuff to do, bbq to eat and people to see..

Day 1: I was rudely wakened about 5 am with stomach pains. They ebbed and growed (yep, growed) all day. Late night they accelerated their efforts to send me to the er and finally won. Fever, chills and rebound tenderness aided the decision.

Until Sunday, I had all of my body parts (including a few baby teeth. hah)

These were classic appendicitis symptoms, but a CAT scan showed a healthy appendix. They did exploratory surgery and found inflamed pockets on the outside of the colon next to the appendix. Doc said it's kind of like diverticulitis on the outside. The surgeon removed them, and also took out my healthy appendix that was touching the area of concern. Kind of a 2 for 1 deal.

After surgery, it wasn't very sore over the appendix area where the guts and bits came out, but the rest of my stomach hurt like a raging bull. 5 days post surgery and the only real spot left sore is my belly button. (laparoscopic surgery.. woot!)

Many hearty thanks to everyone who sent me energy and healing vibes (and those who sat on me to make me rest.. LOL) and got me thru this asap.

But, now I gotta get outta the house!!

Back to work Monday and life as usual.

Life is good.

The Gift
For me, dreams rarely swim to the surface when daylight shows it's face.

Of late, more and more dreams are remembered.

My mom's been dead 12 years. It took 10 years for me not to cry at the mention of her.

Last night I remember dreaming of her. Actually twice!

The first dream I didn't remember until I was in the second dream of her. I was talking to my sister on my cell phone, telling her of the first dream about mom. I was walking in an apartment complex with large kitchen windows. The kind that slide open. It was a warm evening. Everyone's windows were wide open, allowing the smells and sounds to mingle with all the other neighbors. People were busy with their early evening activities of cooking and the sounds of laughing kids playing outside everywhere. I was really enjoying the comforting presence of this place. As I was telling my sister about my dream of mom, I walked past my mom in an open window. She was cooking dinner.

She looked so good and healthy. She looked like she did when she and my Pop (stepdad) first met and were so newly in love. She had her hair up in bobbypins and was wearing a trendy shirt that she used to wear that looked really good on her. She glowed with her trademark elegant poise and beauty. (truly, much like Princess Grace)

I said, "Mom, is that you?" She smiled and kinda laughed, saying, "Yes, Karen it's me." I asked if I could come in, (that amused her). "Of course you can come in!"

I stepped into her kitchen where she was cooking and said, "I know it won't last long, but would you hug me?" She said yes, and as we hugged, barking dogs woke me from the dream. sigh.

The memory of the dream makes me cry for what was lost when she died. How much I still need the teachings of her great wisdom and compassion.. She was an intelligent woman of great courage and strength. She was soft hearted but not soft headed. She wasn't perfect, plenty of faults. LOL She was a devout Christian woman who encouraged her pagan child to follow her dreams and live her spiritual journey with all the gusto life offers.

It also made me cry with joy for seeing her so alive and happy.

I miss her deeply. Last night, for a few moments.. I was given the gift of her presence once again.

My inner voice says.. "Get on with being happy, quit denying yourself". That means finding a new place to live. But there are obstacles. Can't figure out if it's a matter of timing or the universe saying nope.

I spent too many years of my life as a child wondering where I'd be sleeping at night. Often times we slept with a change of clothes under our pillow, ready to escape in the night for safety. Once I even slept the night IN a commercial dryer in the laundromat because I didn't want to stay at someone else's house.

While still a child, I made a promise to myself that my kids would never live like that. My kids never knew drug, alcohol, physical/sexual abuse growing up. At least I was able to give them safety and the knowledge they are well loved and wanted.

For me, losing the security of a home that is safe space, no matter how unhappy, is scary as shite for me. I had a hard time moving out of my last house into this one. This house was built for ME, what I wanted.. all of it. Still, moving into my dream home was a difficult transition.

I am not good at leaving the old behind.. no matter how bad the old is, no matter how much I want the new. This feels like watching a baby learning to walk. They want to walk so much. Every event in their life has led to this point. But they hang onto the coffee table until they can touch the couch at the same time. Not yet able to let go of both at the same time. Free falling..

I feel as though I am drowning. Moving out of a house (even a house I don't WANT to be living at) stabs into all of those old wounds, twisting dirt and jagged glass around in there.

Now you might think that maybe I don't want to make this change. I do, I really do. Besides all of the other obvious positives, it is healthy for me, my kids, and I truly believe it will be healthier and happier for Everyone else too. I am very much looking forward to the new life ahead. Happy about it. Want it to start fully in every way.

Are there really obstacles in the way? Is it a matter of stuff just takes time.. and more patience is needed? Maybe the universe has other plans. I'd been looking furiously and was bone tired. I asked Goddess to give me a sign. I told her what I could afford.

Less than 10 min later, a house that i wasn't even about to dream of drops in price by $450 a month. It is affordable and more than prefect. Close to kids and grandkids. About 5 miles outside of town.. in the country. Pretty yard and wooded space for camping and campfires and plenty of space for lots of friends to visit. Places for drumming and barding and journey work..
Perfect place for shamanic classes to begin again, drum making and other long missed activities. Beautiful and perfect. I mean, it dropped right into our lap.. ahhhhhh

We didn't get it.

Why drop this in my lap and then take it away? What's the lesson here?
1) Maybe a duck is just a duck.
2) Maybe there is a better home/location/price the universe has lined up.

With all that has been happening lately, things have gotten lost and buried in the "let people know" corner. The results from my daughter's holter monitor test a couple of weeks ago was one of those things.

There was definitely a problem in the docs office. She saw it and tests were ordered. The holter monitor was placed two days after the episode.

It came back normal as did the blood work. Normally that's a good thing. Phew. What can I say? I am still worried, as is her doctor. But like a car, when you take it in to be checked, if it's not acting up, then they can't find the problem.

The doc says, when it happens again.. go straight to the e.r. and get her on a ekg. They have to see it in action. Ignore, pretend, deny, listen for the pin drop while reminding yourself to breathe.

Not our first go round with this thing. Not afraid.. (well, maybe just a bit)

Where to begin?

While at a festival 7 or 8 years ago I met a woman and her husband that have become very close friends of my family.

A few years back I had the honor to priestess their 25 year handfasting/wedding renewal. They wore matching sarongs and they were (and still are) beautiful and strong in their love and devotion of/for each other.

They have what few people I know have ever had. Theirs isn't a a fairytale, but a real life, hard work, ups and downs.. undying love for each other. A lesson in love of the deepest kind. Ok, so maybe it IS a fairytale, the one that Includes the chapter of how he leaves his socks on the floor and she squeezes the toothpaste tube in the middle.

Now she has cancer. Right now it Looks like her time is very short. We visit. We talk of things mundane and not so mundane. I help her with things embarrassing for her to ask. I remind her that she would do the same for me. It's true. None of it bothers me. I went thru it with my stepdad and it didn't bother me a bit..neither has it for helping anyone else.

Hard to watch her body disappear.. her spirit strong as ever. Hard to hear of her pain for her husband and sons. Hard to hear her worry about her parents who live close to the hospital and have been caring for her. Hard to hear the pain of her husband, parents and sons. I have no words of comfort for them. There aren't words that can stop this disease, make it right, or comfort their pain.

Her husband counts his blessings for the time they have had together as well as the time left. He wishes for more years to come.

He speaks to me of living in the moment. Living what makes you happy. He tells me to hurry and move to that place where my happiness can thrive.

We've talked about the good stuff of their lives together. In the midst of everything, he counts his blessings. He lives with grace. (and of course.. sorrow and anger, but he doesn't inflict that onto the world at large).

She has hospice services now. We're trying to work out 24/7 care at her home so we can move her from her mom's where she was staying for proximity of chemo and such. As before when she was in the hospital and I stayed with her, I will do it again as much as my own life's circumstances allow.

Priorities?
my daughter's health. (still waiting to hear dr's results)
my friend and her family

The rest? Community responsibilities (luckily lots of wonderful people stepping up to help there), school, work, my own personal problems.. small beans baby.

My youngest has a fatty oxidation disorder. She was born with it, but wasn't diagnosed until her first episode at 14 months. Happy playing baby, comatose baby a mere hour later.

This hateful thing struck fear in my heart like nothing else ever has. They told me she wouldn't live to be 5 yrs old. This causes episodes where their internal organs shut down and often cause permanent damage. She has had her organs shutting down several times. Moved to ICU where they operate on the kids in their own rooms because they are too sick to be moved to the OR.. that's a scary place. But she has recovered each time. They also told me that some of these kids just fall over dead. Their heart gives out. Often with no warning.

She is now 18 years old.
You can pretend that everything will always be fine. In the back of your mind, it hides there, waiting to jump out when you least expect it. The fear never goes away.

I brought her up living as though she will live beyond 100 years. Really, what is a life that has been lived sitting on the sidelines? That is death on this earth. A breathing death. She is living fully and happily, discovering herself and the world around her. She's making great decisions (and a few mistakes too). She's learning to live well for the next 80 years.

Today she had racing heart. Pulse of 133..

2 hours later her bp is 120/89 (her normal is 90/60). Her pulse was 89, (her normal is around 60-70). She had a dr appt already today and since her heart rate was coming down, we went on in to the doctor.

Doc gave her an ekg and blood work. Doing a holter monitor too.

Not much scares me. I am scared sh*tless. Terrified really.

Little Bear and her dog Jodee..